I've been watching bleach for like 3 years now, and IMHO, it's turning from bad to worse, to OMGWTF! So, I decided to dedicate this post to vent out all my bleach rantings! Forgive me Kubo Tite (there is an E at the end of Tite, remember!), but it is a must now and we'll learn Bleach-taught lessons! Here goes... (CERO)!


Bleach? "WTF?" Is that what you say? Nope, Bleach is not WTF, nor is it a detergent or whitening agent or anything. Bleach is an anime. About Ichigo, Rukia, some other folks, things called "hollows" and other things called "shinigami". It's like an old Samurai thingy movie placed in our time. And so it began..

But OMG! In the first episode itself, Rukia sustains a hyper-major-mega cut from shoulder to somewhere near her "thing". Wonder how anybody could lose that amount of blood, and still be alive! :S That's an issue in Bleach. Whenever there is a battle, the scene turns to "The Hostel" with added gore. Blood spurts like ketchup in that. And guess what?? NOBODY, I stress, NO frickin person/animal/thing/hollow/stuffed animal dies in Bleach. NOT one! Even when hollows are defeated (hollows = bad), they go to Soul Society as purified souls. Soul Society is some kind of heaven of some sorts. No one dies. So, lesson #1: No matter the amount of blood you lose, you don't die.

After a while, we see another fateful battle. Ishida pairs with Ichigo to kill an army of hollows. Cool cool. The thing is, they get time to debate, kick each other's butts, and the hollows (hollows = bad guys, remember?) WAIT FOR THEM! Wow! If I were the damn hollows, I'd cero their arses to hell! Now comes lesson #2: Your enemies wait for you to kick your partner's arse before attacking. They even allow talking time!

Bla bla bla... After some time, Rukia is taken back to Suck Soul Society and as in every good shonnen, Ichigo goes kamikaze to save the princess. He goes against Captains of Soul Society. Yes. Captains are super powerful Sayen Lv.6-capable. Yes. Ichigo defeats them. WTF!! Now comes lesson #3: A new shinigami-recruit can defeat captains. They get paid tax-payers money for nothing!

A small review of the captains: Byakuya the quiet guy that secretly lusts after his wife's look-alike and sister, Rukia. Zaraki the Ecchi who tags Yacchiru (a kid) around on his shoulders. Genryuusai that farts fire. Kurotsuchi the Caterpillar that carries a knife in his ear. Kyoraku the perv that drinks and loves Nanao's butt. Hitsugaya the Brat that always gets owned and doesn't even have a fully working Bankai. Ukitake that needs a permanent hospital bed. Soi Fon that has a Yuri fetish for Yuroichi. Komamura the Furry that got owned 1-hit. And other captains which are not worth remembering. Then we got Aizen the Power-monger that has something for Gin and Tousen, and secretly loves Hollows. Quite a team! Really... It's scary. How can they all roam around with katanas?? :S

And then we proceed. I'm sure you know that Rukia got saved, right? And that Ichigo rained blood all over Blood Soul Society after getting cut on nearly every part of his body, and healing in record fast times, and summoning his hollow-form out of nowhere and beats the hell out of Byakugaya Byakuya? That his whole team: Ishida, Chad and others got you unscathed? They too rained blood BTW... lesson #4: Even if you go kamikaze, you come out alive after soaking the whole place with blood and getting cut 2749436 times.

There is also a theory about Soul Society being a place of debauchery, which really should be called Hentai Society, but that will be for another time...

After Soul Society, Ichigo confronts Arrankars. Simply put, revamped and stronger hollows. With larger holes and more prominent holes BTW. What?? You thought Hollows wouldn't have holes?? Then check below and tell me what you see on his neck! After a while, Ichigo got beaten to a pulp, and realized how weak he can be without a hole. So? He wants one!! So he goes and trains with the Vizards. Don't ask why W lost one of the V's in it. But instead of Wizards, they are Vizards, perhaps as a tribute to Viz. He gets trained, beaten to a pulp by Hyori and others, and finally comes out with his hole and mask that lasts 11 seconds. All that beating and training, just for 11 seconds... Duh.. That guy's got no talent!

(Over)-confident about his new-found hole, he goes Kamikaze to save Orihime's rack. His team and himself, once again, save the day. Now comes the fun part...

At one time or another, they all got/will get beaten. Rukia got skewered on a spear. 20 chapters after, no word about her. Rumor says she's still skewered and dripping blood, but as Bleach goes. She'll be alive. You can be sure. Chad got his arm cut. Still alive. Renji and Ishida got their organs crushed/ripped/cut. Still alive. Ichigo got owned by Grimmjow. Still alive. WHY ARE THEY ALL ALIVE?? lesson #5: Whatever the damage you take, you live.

Now, you need to understand one thing. Ichigo beat Zaraki without Bankai and Hollow. He beat Byakuya without Hollow (almost). But these 2 captains are supposed to be the strongest. But? Ichigo got OWNED by Espada #6: Grimmjow, even with Bankai and Hollow! Wow! If Espada 6 can own the guy who owned 2 captains, imagine what Espada #1 would do to the other captains! See my point? The power balance in Bleach is sooo disturbed and imbalanced! Totally imba!! But you know what? lesson #6: However strong your enemy is, if you are the main character, you win in the end!

Oh yes a side-point which leads to to lesson #7: Huge racks do not prevent you from fighting. Personally, I don't understand how Matsumoto, Orihime, Yuroichi, Neriel, Halibel and several others can actually move without breaking their spines. Now fighting? Maybe they use special attacks? Like crushing the face of your opponent between boobs? Or coup-de-Boob?

Before we end, Bleach has a varied assortment of stuffed animals. From the filler arc, we got the Mod-Souls Ririn, Nova and the Transformer-guy. Then we got Kon. I don't know where all these things come from, but it's creepy! Talking stuffed animals that fight and open alternate dimensions? Uh... MOMMM! HELP!!!

Finally, I've always wonder what the hell Soul Society does while Ichigo gets to beat legions of Hollows. They NEVER help. Captains do nothing. Vice-Captains do ecchi things to the captains. And others do ecchi things to Vice-Captains. All while Ichigo is getting heavily ecchi-ed by Hollows from all sides! And while Aizen drinks tea. :D Poor kid!

This is my "critical analysis" of Bleach from where the manga has reached. And as a farewell, lesson #8: Bleach is injurious to health. Causes brain damage if you try to figure it out.

5 comments:

  1. $€|v3n said...

    and i who was seeking to watch that since years.. finally some negative points for bleach  

  2. Infinity said...

    It's an ok-type anime. Nothing awesome, nothing really bad. Give it a try if you want. I'm sure you'll see the truth in my points afterwards! :D  

  3. Neelesh said...

    Animes, even though they are far-fetched at times, they are real entertaining. I back up inf's points. If you want to have a good laugh, you are welcomed to take a peep. Well there are lots of fillers. Enjoy :D  

  4. lisanoo said...

    i love bleach ...sure its messed up at times but cumon! most anime is! there is always something someone finds that is rong with it! who cares, if you want it to be perfect then DO IT YOURSELF if you cant be bothered then just shut up and watch it i think its rrrrrrrreeeeeaaaaaaaaalllllyyyyyyy GOOD, NO W8 ITS NOT GOOD ITS AWWWWSSSOOOMMMEEE!:)  

  5. bleachownzyou said...

    Jackass.Really,keep your fucking rants to yourself.No one cares,we watch it because we like it.You dont fucking like it dint fucking watch it.Its that fucking simple dumbfuck  


 

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